My goal and frankly my prayer is to raise independent, resilient and courageous kids! Not kids that earn all As, not kids that do it all, not perfect kids; just kids that are independent, resilient and courageous. Kids who are prepared to navigate the road of life on their own!
It can be hard to do this independence, resilience and courage thing - as that usually means I need to allow my kids to fail, tackle fears and go their own way! Can my motherly brain let my child do something that I know will probably not work; and be willing to let my child take the journey anyway? Do “good moms” let their kids fail?
I have not always been good at the independent, resilient and courageous concept; I intentionally work at it today and still, I make mistakes! I want to get in there and share my wisdom and learnings and do stuff for my kids! I have been confused on my definition of a “good mom” or “good parenting”! I think I thought the mom who does it all for her kids is the way to do it, the “good mom”!! These days I challenge the view of what the “good mom” looks like (if there really is such a thing). I started to challenge the “good mom” label a while ago when my values and priorities were being interrupted by things my kids were engaged in or being asked to do or some other expectation that rubbed me the wrong way!
I think I may have been shaped by some cultural norms around raising kids today. I have been influenced by class, race and some kind of social status/fitting in struggle to arrive at the “good mom” definition. It is scary to think I would put value in others - but unfortunately, I think it really had played a role in my definition. I’m a recovering perfectionist, so that plays a role here too! Ugh! Yet, I have to believe that all moms have struggled with what the other moms think at some point.
I was raised in the 80s – we kind of just did stuff as kids. There was not this intense parenting vibe like helicopter moms, or snowplow parenting out there. Grades were not available at all times for parents to see. Birthday parties were simple, not grand! I just don’t remember so many special activities!! It makes me wonder – is all this so necessary? When we parents are so involved in or kid’s programs, parties, sports and such - how do they figure it out on their own?
Resilience is so tough – mainly because it means letting my kids live their struggles without me trying to fix it (I can be a good fixer!)! Teaching my kids to know it’s okay to feel sad, feel disappointment and understand challenges is real work. I like to remind my kids that working through things now while they live at home with their parents is a great opportunity! They need to have the failures now, so they can work through it as they get older. If I interfere and protect them from all the uncomfortable, upsetting and disappointing parts of childhood/teen years; then how do they become resilient?
Courage may simply be earned by making it through hard things or maybe the simple practice of doing the day to day challenges! I feel like the more my kids make it through a tough thing the more courage they build!
While I am focusing on the challenges of life and raising kids, life brings many joys! Maybe learning how to live the challenges helps with appreciating the joys?
For me, the biggest way I can work at helping my kids (17,14,11) develop independence, resilience and courage is to think hard before I do something for my kids that they can do on their own.
How do I stay focused on raising independent, resilient and courageous kids? It is one of my goals on my vision board and yes it really is my daily prayer!
To all the Moms out there, here is something I have learned: We are all good Moms in our own way for our own families!!! There is no right way to mother, just your way!! Sending lots of courage to all the courageous mamas out there!!!